Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Okay me first
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
😂😂😂