ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My time has come.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.