Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.