After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.