*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
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Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
pelicons
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
kitchen magnet
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.