Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
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This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I put the p in pants.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Acronyms got me like WTF?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?