Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
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[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Facebook memories be like
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
i did the math
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.