Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
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I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.