-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.