Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I have a place for everything. The floor.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Blew out my flip flop…
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.