A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*