First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.