being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober