me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.