CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
This bar smells like my childhood.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?