After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
just got my engagement photos
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”