Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
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it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?