the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
dutch is not a serious language
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution