Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
You Might Also Like
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
This could be us but you eatin’
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?