We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
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Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.