Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
The Sun
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Husband of the year 😂