firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!