*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
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list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.