I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
this is what they would have looked like, though
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away