*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
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Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
This took me a second..
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Oh thanks BBC.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.