Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…