Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
You Might Also Like
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Swedish for common sense.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
No chill.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you