a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
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8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
#Caturday
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!