I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?