Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.