I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
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When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I love it all
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
A great tip. #CakeRex
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.