“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.