Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Doctors texting each other.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Always
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.