don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
You Might Also Like
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.