Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
You Might Also Like
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]