Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!