why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
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As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!