listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
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Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
tinder is all about the long game
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
become ungovernable
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“That’s what” – She