[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
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WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
#damn
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas