Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!