[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me