Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
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Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Actually cracking up @ this
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.