It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Haha! 😂
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.