How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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I think about this a lot
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
pls suprot
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!