If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
sliding into dms like
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?