good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.