Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
You Might Also Like
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
🤔😂😂
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder