The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
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Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic