This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.