Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I can also cook 😂
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.